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Chapter 1 - Waking up
The morning routine of students is a fascinating
thing. Basically, there are two kinds of students, and everything
in their life can be determined by what catagory they fall into.
These two types of students are; students who get up on time and students
who don't. Every single student in the entire universe will fall
into these two catagories. Right now you might be whining, "Hey....
Sometimes I get up on time and sometimes I don't, so that's not true."
If you are one of these people, then I suggest that you take this paper,
and jam it up your ass. Trust me, it's the best thing to do.
Paper is dirt cheap, this is not the only copy that will ever be around,
and it would serve much better at this time to be jammed as far up your
ass as humanly possible than it would be to read. Perferably the
desired effect should be that you be able to pull it out of your mouth,
then you know that you have a good quality shove. Anything less is
a waste of your time and mine.
Now let me point something out to you.
This is a piece of paper. (Unless you didn't print it out you cheapo) So don't argue with it. It doesn't
matter if you're reading along and all of the sudden you start reading,
"Hey you! Yeah, you! I'm talking to you! Nice shirt.
I like the stripes." And then you realize that YOUR shirt has polka
dots. Don't argue. The paper will always win. And if
you're going to argue, you might as well make it worth your while.
Stand up, take this paper, start slamming it against things and cursing
at it. Don't do anything half-assed. Rip it into large pieces
and throwing them every which way. Or if you're in a crowded area,
for the best effect shove them into your mouth and begin to eat them.
This will tell people you really mean business. It's also a great
way to make friends. Everybody likes someone with initiative.
And everyone knows that if you go through enough effort to eat something
you don't like, you've got enough initiative to support 2 or 3 people.
If you think about it, eating something is the worst thing that you could
possibly do to something you don't like. It's like sentencing it
to 24 hours of hell. And that's just what it has to go through when
it's IN your body. Sure, you can beat, burn, deface, stomp on, or throw
it, but if you eat it, people know that you mean BUSINESS. I mean,
you eat something out of anger, and people will literally start running
in fear. And people who are afraid of you are easiest to make friends
with. It's a proven fact. Trust me. Anyway, if by now you're
still reading this, then I must assume that you haven't eaten this.
That's good, because what I didn't tell you was that I laced the fibers
of this paper with arsenic. So now that you've passed the test, continue
on. Getting back to the subject at hand, don't argue with this paper.
Don't even contradict it in your mind. I'll know if you do.
And I'll come after you. That's a promise.
From now on you must assume that everything
that you read here is the undeniable truth. If someone says something
that even mildly contradicts what is said here, then they are obviously
lying. Perhaps you should examine this person more closely, because
they obviously have some personal issues that they need to work out, and
it's not right for them to drag you into this. They might tell you
that they're not lying, but pay no heed to this, because once a liar, always
a liar. You must take it upon yourself to stop these lies before they get
out of hand and hurt people. The best way to do this is to make it
so they can't talk. Ever. How you do this is up to your own
creativity. Personally, I'm partial to violence. It works much quicker
than that pansy negotiating stuff. But hey, have fun with it!
Are you wondering if this is the right thing to do? Sure it is.
If they start to cry, this is a signal that they would like you to continue
to beat them. These are tears of JOY, and JOY is a wonderous thing.
Don't question this. You're reading it here, and that means it MUST
be true.
Anyway, there are two types of students, the
ones who get up on time and the ones that don't. Allow me to elaborate.
To be a student who gets up on time, one must get up on time to shower,
brush their teeth, fix their hair, to do all their other miscellaneous
morning things without rushing. Believe it or not, there are actually
real people who get up with enough time to do this. And these people
feel the need to have competitions with others to see who got up the earliest
and did the most.
"Boy am I tired. I got up at 5:30 this morning. I took a
shower, fixed my hair, ate a full cooked breakfast, and watched a show
on TV. My bus comes at 7:00. YAWN."
"Aaaah that's nothing. I got up at 4:30 this morning. I
took a shower, fixed my hair, cooked a full cooked breakfast, and watched
3 shows on TV. My bus comes at 6:59. YAWN."
"Hey you guys, you think you're tired? I got up at 3:30.
Three days ago. I haven't slept for over 80 hours. I took a
shower, cleaned the car, fixed my hair, fixed my leaking roof, cooked and
ate a breakfast, cooked a breakfast for my family, baked a pie for my neighbor,
mowed my lawn, painted my room, performed brain surgery on myself, did
all the homework that will be due for the next 2 years, invented a new
type of weapon of mass destruction, fed my dog, ate my couch, became the
world deadlifting champion, got a P.H.D. in Kama Sutra, and watched a 24
hour Barry Manilow video before school. Then I walked here.
I live 16 miles away."
At this point, all the other students who got
up on time would turn towards that student, and say something stupid like
"Ouch! That's gotta suck" or "Wow, you must be tired" or something
else to certify their defeat. At that time, the student would become
the early morning champion. All the other students who get up on
time must then worship and serve that student for the entire day, which
genually isn't hard because he or she will be asleep by 2:30 in the afternoon.
I know a kid that stayed a champion for 17 days in a row. Finally
he was defeated by a Japanese kid who allegedly superglued his eyelids
open to his face. But hey, there's a price that comes with victory.
The other group of students is the students
who do not get up on time. Most students fall into this catagory.
These students can be identified by their inablity to look straight ahead
of them for any period longer than 5 seconds. This is due to the
fact that their brain has not registered the fact that they are awake yet,
and has taken the role that their eyes do during dreaming called REM.
Basically, the student will move their head around like a frog in a fly
farm. Some have perfected the art of getting up late. These
students can literally get up a minute before they need to catch the bus
or their ride, and get dressed, comb their hair, and grab some food to
eat running toward the door. These people are the ones who are found
scarfing down anything edible in homeroom or on the bus or wherever they
can. Other students have much to learn about this art. It is
important for these people not to get too cocky about their abilities,
because disaster will strike quickly and harshly. It is not unusual
to see these people walking into school completely naked, or wearing breakfast
food on their genitals. They just didn't have enough time to get
ready. Hey, it can happen to the best. And that means it can
DEFINATELY happen to you. That would be because no matter how hard
you try, you're not the best. Neither will you ever be. But
don't worry, the best is probably somewhere out in east Afghanistan in
the middle of a lake watching their bodily hair grow. So it's probably
better that none of us are the best. Not that the breakfast sandwich
thing has ever happened to me. I'm just saying that if you
see me walking around school one morning with a breakfast sandwich hanging
off of my genitals, you'll know what's going on.
Yes, if you haven't figured it out by now,
I fall into catagory two. To me, the snooze button on my alarm clock
is a heroin-like drug. The alarm goes off, I hit the button.
Aaaaaah, I feel good all over. It's so quiet. I could get used
to that feeling. It's like a natural high. But this is not
to last. Shortly enough after, the effect wears off, and the damn alarm
clock starts ringing again. Somehow, this ringing is LOUDER than
the first time. This is a strange phenomenon, because I know that
I did not touch the volume knob. But the damn thing is louder.
This time, I'm more desperate to find the snooze button. I blurt
out curses, and after a little confusion, I hit it. This process
cruely repeats itself, though. Eventually, I'm flailing my arms like
a maniac trying to find the snooze button. By this time, the snooze
button appears to have shrunk to the size of a pin head, and the rest of
the alarm clock has grown, so it's almost impossible to find the snooze
button. The highs become shorter and shorter, and after a while I
swing so violently that I throw myself out of my bed. This is how
I wake up every morning. It's not the most comfortable thing, but
it works. Of course, falling out of bed sucks. But the worst
thing about getting up this way is cracking open your eyes, yawning real
loud, stretching a couple of times (Which is classifiably the best feeling
in the world), and then looking at the clock and realizing you have 5 minutes
to get ready. At this point, an increadible transformation begins.
I change from someone who has to think to place one foot in front of the
other into a world class track and field athelete. My coordination
goes through the roof. I'm putting on shoes, brushing teeth, coming
hair, throwing on clothes, all while running. Micheal Johnson eat
your heart out. You know, forget adrenaline, forget steroids, if
you want to be pumped up, get up for something important with 5 minutes
of less. I guarantee your heart pumps so hard you can feel it.
And that's a healthy thing. Trust me. So anyway, I do all this,
and miraculously step out the door on time. This is the same story
for all people who don't get up on time. But this is only half of
the ordeal.
At this time, your peoples' personalities
will completely change. "Hey, I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm collected,"
you think. You're strutting slowly to the bus stop, no hurry at all.
You've once again made it, and damn it, you walk with pride. Unfortunately,
when that cold air outside gets to you, seeps under your pantleg and inside
your shirt, you realize that you've been foiled. You're not wearing
any undergarments. And today's the day you wore the sweater and the
pants that chafe. And today you have gym. So maybe you haven't
perfected it all yet.
But at least now you've woken up.
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Copyright RLA 1999, All rights reserved.