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The Personal Work of Your Friends Here at RLA Inc.
Chapter 4 - The End of the Road
Some people think that when someone dies, they are gone forever, and some people think that when someone dies, their spirit goes to heaven. But isn't it all a little too easy? A little too concrete? Where's all the waiting, the annoyances, the inconveniences? Isn't it a little ignorant to think that all of these hideously bothersome things were just created by a master being and exist ONLY on this planet? OK people, God might have his ways of playing with us, but come on, isn't that just a little bit sick? I don't think that he was sitting up there one day and decided to create annoying people or waiting or sold out tickets... unless he was bored. But God can't get bored, can he? I mean, even if he's sitting around and there's NOTHING to do, there's no games on TV, Mrs. God is out getting her hair done, the angels are off at a block party, and he's out of yarn to knit with (What, you don't think God has a feminine side?), can't he just conjure up something else to do? I mean, he is almighty, isn't he? For instance, if he wants to play Jacks, doesn't he just have to wave his hand and damn it, there's some jacks right in front of him? He has infinite power, how could he possibly be bored? And even if through the eons that he has existed that he has overdone EVERY single thing that there is to do, then can't he just invent something else? It just doesn't add up. God COULDN'T have been bored up there. So we must accept that even in the afterlife, there will be inconveniences.
"Hi, welcome to heaven, name please..."
"Um... John Smith."
"Smith? I'm sorry, can't you read? This is the A through C line. You need the S line. If you just walk down that way, oh about 47 miles, you should see it..."
"What? Come on, there's like 4 million people in that line..."
"Don't worry sir, it moves quickly. Next please..."
"Wait, hold on a second... can't you just register me?"
"Sir, I'm sorry, but you'll have to go into the S line. I can only handle people with names that end from A to C. Trust me, if it was my choice, I'd take you, but it's my job..."
"Oh, did I say my name was John Smith? I meant John Bith..."
"Oh, well in that case, welcome to heaven Mr. Bith... I'll just need some information real quick."
"OK, what do you need?"
"What's your height and weight?
"5' 11" and 290."
"My, you’re a chubby little one, aren't ya? Hold on, let's see, I just point and click in this box.. and type... Oh wait, what happened? Where's the box go? Sorry sir, I'm a trainee, you'll have to forgive me... Oh wait, now what happened? You know, I'm going to have to call my supervisor for this one... sorry..."
"WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?"
"Oh... uh... nothing Mr. God sir, um... I seem to be in the wrong line.... um..."
"Nonsense, you told me your name was Mr. Bith... you're in the right place! Just hold on one second Mr. Bith..."
"MR. BITH? YOU AREN'T MR. BITH? YOU'RE SMITH, AND I KNOW ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU DID WITH THOSE SHEEP."
"Oh God... I mean, oh Jesus... I mean, it wasn't me! Uh... I was sleep walking!"
"HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME! APPLICATION REJECTED! HAVE A NICE ETERNITY IN HELL!"
So maybe it isn't that bad up there, but there still has to be some inconveniences. Like the Year 2000 bug. Boy, they really better keep on top of that thing, don't want to have any mix ups....
"Name?"
"Charles Manson"
"BEEP! Oh, how are you Mr. Manson? You're on our VIP list, and you're application for sainthood is being processed as we speak. Follow me to your private mansion"
There could be some serious problems up there. And another thing... Heaven must have a lot of people being processed every day, and as mighty as he is, I think even the big guy likes to take a load off, loosen the ol' belt, break out a couple of brewskies and catch a few games on TV, so it seems to me that he would hire some help, or maybe just enslave someone into working for him. Enslvaing seems the way to go for him, because I'm not exactly sure what he could pay the people with, because they already have everything. It's like trying to buy a Father's Day gift for your dad, except these people really DO have everything. But he can't enslave people. That just wouldn't be friendly. And the labor unions in Heaven would just not have it. Either way, that isn't very fair to the person who got into Heaven. He or she has probably got to work some seriously long shifts. Now I know what you're thinking, "Well, he could just force people from Hell to work." Well, that's not very practical, the people from hell got in for being sinners. They'd steal money from the drawer, curse off the customers, and just tear the place apart. What's God gonna do if they don't listen? Send them to Hell? I think not. So he must have people working for him. It's the same as Earth, except there's no traffic jams. And what if God chooses YOU and it's your first day on the job and you're LATE? Is he forgiving? Does he fire you? Does he send you to hell? We all know that bosses have to be tough or people will just walk all over them, but how strict do you think God is? Can you be grounded in Heaven?
"Hi, is Jen there?"
"This is Jen..."
"Hi, this is Greg, want to watch the angels bowl tonight?"
"I'd love to Greg, but I can't... I'm grounded?"
"Grounded? What? For what?" "I littered..."
"You've got to be kidding me... so how long are you grounded for?"
"70 years..."
"WHAT?"
"Greg, God was pretty pissed.. and to him 70 years is like nothing..."
"This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.. Screw this, I'm dating your mother."
On the other hand, what if there is no Heaven or Hell? See, I always imagined that when you die you float up, and you wait on line for a while, but there's free donuts and juice, so it's not too bad. Anyway, you wait on line and when it's your turn you look at this giant wall of buttons and each button has something you could be reincarnated as. The really cool things are at the top of the wall, so you have to be athletic or clever to push them, and the not cool things, such as slugs, are at the bottom. Or what if it's like a game show? Wheel of Reincarnation... where you spin a big wheel and what it lands on, that's what you are. Either way, there's got to be someway that you influence what you are in your next life. Maybe if you spin the wheel and land on the bonus space, you get to have 7 days to haunt all the people that you didn't like. That would be great. But if you ask me, which nobody really has but you will all listen anyway because you are my little shoepolishing slaves, I would like to be reincarnated as... well nevermind that, but I still think that you can choose your fate. And I'll tell you why. No offense, but living in Heaven would be pretty cool... for a while. And when I say a while, I mean like 4 billion years... because I have nothing against living in Utopia. But eventually, wouldn't you get bored with living without anything bad ever happening? Wouldn't you eventually start to get kind of crazy or angry or sociopathic? Well, I'm sure you would. And if you do, what happens? Do they send you back to earth? Well, no... Heaven is for eternity, isn't it? Do they put you in jail? Well, no... Heaven is a Utopian, and nobody wants to be locked up. Eventually, wouldn't heaven start to be like Hell?
"In the News at this Hour... Well, once again Jack Fillis has tried to end it all... since that is the ONLY goddam thing that's going on around here, here's Jackie Huang reporting live on the scene."
"Hi, I'm Jackie Huang... you know what? This happened like 5 weeks ago. Isn't there anything else to report? Man, screw this job, I quit...I'm gonna go live with a bottle of Jack Daniels."
Eventually everyone would go a little crazy, wouldn't they? At the other end of the spectrum, there's Hell. But I've always thought that the traditional burn and rot and work for all eternity wasn't very practical either. Now don't get me wrong, people should pay for bad things they do during their lifetime, but for all eternity? I don't think that there's anything that you could do that would be bad enough to suffer for all eternity. That's an AWFUL long time. And, if you have to go, and you see Satan, that guy must be seriously wacky. He must walk around in a skirt and high heels singing the national anthem all day and have tea parties with dead rodents and cry himself to sleep watching Spanish love movies at night. And you can't blame him either, you'd do the same. Except your dumb ass probably doesn't know Spanish, so you'd have nothing to cry yourself to sleep at night with. (I happen to know that in hell they only play Spanish movies, OK?) No matter how you look at it, something happens when you die. Whether you go on to another life or another place, or you get stuck for all eternity waiting in the Smith line in Heaven, it might not be what you think it is up there or down there for you sadistic types, so live it up while you still can. I'll see ya on the flip side. (P.S. Yes, OK, that was really cheesey, but what the hell are YOU going to do about it?)
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