Chapter 6 – Channel Surfing
The greatest invention known to man is the
television. But the television is nothing with out the almighty remoter
Control. So important is this one item that in it’s absence, you might
as well throw your TV right out the window. If you do happen to have a
well functioning remote you’re on your way to the greatest thrill of your
lifetime, “Channel Surfing”. Though the fine intricacies of this art still
can not be fully understood, an educated guess can be made as to why this
“ sport of the lazy” is so addictive. There is no greater adrenaline rush,
than know your watching something worthwhile, and flipping the channel.
Experts attribute the surge of this substance, to the sheer feeling of
power one receives knowing that he or she is in full control of Earth’s
greatest appliance. With one click of the remote you can bring into submission
anyone in your living room. Lets say your sitting in your living
room enjoying an afternoon marathon of comedy when a person you don’t like
comes into the room. The first thing you do is change the channel to something
incredibly boring until they leave. Or you could turn the TV up so loud
that thier ears bleed. Or for the really daring you can try flipping through
the channels so fast that they go into a seziure like those Japanesse kids.
Like I said before , domination through clicker control.
Once you have begun your journey into the unknown, you will become more and more addicted. It is very easy for one to become consumed, in what I call a “ Remote Control Enduced Frenzy “. It begins with an uncontrollable changing of the channels. One then becomes obsessed with seeing what else is on, and cannot control his or her channel-changing finger. This has been known to continue until the remote has run out of batteries or the subject’s finger falls off.
There are those out there who have mastered, with great skill, the art of channel surfing. With just one lap through all the channels; spending no more than half of a second on any single channel; these talented individuals can tell you the programming found on every station, the star of the program, and if any nudity can be expected in the near future. In some foreign countries there are actually competitions to see how accurate these masters are. Speed is also an issue with virtuosos of this sport. People like this have thumbs so strong that they are able to lift small cars, with little or no effort. A surfing demagogue such as this can conquer one hundred and twenty channels in under ten seconds. Enough to make even the most visually powerfull people , convulse like a donkey with a bumble ball in its ass.
I bring this to your attention as a warning. For if you are ever caught in the same room, or maybe even on the same couch, as one of these juggernauts; your sanity is in jeopardy. The mesmerizing effect caused by the passing of the channels can put one into a trance of no return. Or even worse can cause meltdown of the central nervous system. Most feared in association with channel surfing, is the dreaded “Postal Syndrome”. This neurological malfunction has caused many TV viewers to kill their families, set their houses on fire, and drive their cars off of cliffs. Let the watcher beware, it can happen to you, or someone you know. So please, Surf Safely.
Copyright RLA 1999, All Rights Reserved