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Power-Hungry
New-Age Kindergarten Grads
I am going to let you all in on
another little secret of life. Please… try to keep dry.
First, a popular myth:
Myth: Anyone who wants a good job and a secure future goes to college,
works hard, and gets their degree.
And now the dirty truth that your
parents never told you solely because you pissed them off when you were a kid
when you walked in on them during one of their “sessions”:
Fact: The myth is for suckers.
Anyone who thinks that is stuck in the past. And even if you go to college, you’re not going to know how to
spell right because everything you do will be plagiarized. Hell, I probably didn’t even spell that
right. Just goes to show you.
We live in a quickly evolving
society where younger and quicker is better.
Some old people constantly complain about this. “Waaa waaa waaaa…. Out with the old, in with
the new…. Waaaa waaaa bitch waaaa,” they say, with little fake tears in their
eyes. But these “oldies but goodies”
don’t realize that they are not being replaced, they are being promoted to the
next phase of their life. Imagine what
would happen if elderly people were not “promoted” … out of their jobs. Phonebook companies would see declining
sales because “Auntie Gretchen” wouldn’t be buying extras to put her ass high
enough off the seat to have a view of the road. Actually, the whole automobile phenomenon would change.
Have you ever been driving along
going a million miles per hour with nothing but open road ahead of you and
behind you, when a car that is waiting to turn right swerves out in front of
you… only to go 15 miles an hour under the speed limit? Of course you have. This is a maneuver that is
characteristically pulled by highly trained elderly people. Oops… it appears that I have let another
secret slip. Most people think that old
people are totally clueless. Just goes
to show how incredibly feeble all of you are. In reality, on a person’s 65th
birthday, they are contacted by an elite right-wing radical group called the “Senior
Citizens”. In exchange for discounts at
restaurants, movies, and other highly populated areas, Senior Citizens pledge
to attend meetings in secrecy and follow a general code of ethics. Here, they are highly trained in Tactical
Bitching, Ignorant Vehicular Operation, Penny-Pinching, and other important
skills. But this is merely a minor
detail in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway, back to the driving
thing. While you’re screaming obscenities
and considering driving through oncoming traffic just so you can pass them,
they are adjusting the phonebooks under their asses and smiling contently at another
job well done. “But why do they do
this, Lee? (My all-powerful and omnipotent God)” you might ask. Well the reason is simple. They are allied with the government and one
of their responsibilities is to control speeding through interaction. They know you had the entire road behind you
open too and they could have safely turned out in back of you, but then they
would not be able to make drive slowly to the point of insanity. Plus, they root out the really dangerous
drivers by provoking them to drive like total maniacs just to get back in
front. This subtle method works so well
that even I, an extremely safe driver (chuckle), have been caught in one of
their rage-induced death traps. I was
driving to my job one beautiful day and still to this day I believe that even
God wanted me to speed, because there was NO ONE on the road. So I went 130 mph. And here I was cruising and looking around when suddenly this car
makes a right turn in front of me, causing me to slam my brakes to avoid
smashing it. Normally, I would have
admitted my defeat and driven at 25 mph the rest of the way to work, but this
particular day I was running late and in a bad mood, so I decided I would try
to pass the driver in front of me.
First, I examined him through the back windshield. “Ah yes, un-bent hat, gray hair, short
little hunched-over torso that appears to be propped up on phone books…
excellent…” I thought, assuming that an elderly person would be easy to
pass. But this was my first nearly
deadly mistake. I sped up and the old
person compensated by swerving to the direction I went. I even tried to fake by going one way and
then swerving the other, but the old person easily shot my efforts down again,
partially because of his enhanced view of the rear-view mirror created by the
extra height off the seat. Now I was
getting pissed, I was not easily going to be shut down by a Senior
Citizen. I swerved into oncoming
traffic only to hit a Mack truck and die.
OK.. that didn’t really happen, but then again everything I’m saying now
is a lie, so deal with it.
Now that I have put the “Out with
the old, in with the new” philosophy in its proper perspective, I will explain
why college is no longer necessary.
Have you ever drank Maxwell House coffee?
Have you ever seen their commercials on TV? Have you ever heard their slogan? Have you ever been asked so many questions by a document that you
just want to get up and leave? Too
bad.
If you’ve heard Maxwell House's slogan,
you know that it’s “Good ‘Til the Last Drop”.
Most people don’t think about what this is saying. Basically, Maxwell House's slogan says that you can
be drinking a delicious cup of coffee made from their freshly ground beans and
love every single sip… until you get to the last drop. Apparently, the last drop just isn’t
good. I wonder if this is just an error
that was overlooked, or a clever ploy to allow them to save money by not making
it as good as it can be. Being the
inquisitive person I am, I decided to call them and ask.
TRUE STORY: I actually did call and ask them this. On the back of their coffee, they have a
number you can call with questions or comments. Well I thought that it was a reasonable question to ask, so I
called them. This was back when I was
about 12 years old. I got a secretary
and I asked for the manager and when she asked why, I told her it was because I
had found a critical error in their slogan.
I then proceeded to explain my case, to which she got extremely angry
and asked for my mother. Well, every
little kid knows that giving the phone to your parents on a call like that is
like suicide, you might as well run the antenna through your eye because your
parents are gonna do it for you anyway, so I hung up and never called
again.
But now that I think about it, I
fell right into their clever plot. They
knew that I was on the verge of something big, perhaps exposing their giant
scam and ending their iron-grip on the coffee industry. So they backed me into a corner and scared
me away. But now I’m back with a voice,
exposing the truth. So what now MAXWELL HOUSE??? HUH????
Sorry, I had some pent up anger there.
But really, their slogan is saying that the last drop of their coffee is
not good. Maybe it’s horrible. Maybe it’s rat poison or cow-dung or fruit
cake. We’ll never know because creative
little kids who call to find out the truth are scared away by mean
secretaries. They probably have an
entire drill that they do once a week to ensure that their precious secret is
never leaked. These people are
organized. They also hire power-hungry
new-age kindergarten grads.
Maxwell House isn’t the only company
that seems to have this critical error.
There are many other companies who apparently are in this little
conspiracy. Take Smucker’s, the manufacturer
of yummy jellies and jams. (To tell you
the truth I think jelly and jam are the same damn thing and I think everyone
else agrees with me). But I’ll let
them have their little glorious names. Anyway,
their slogan is “With a name like Smucker’s, it’s got to be good.” And you’re so hypnotized by the images of
brothers fishing and fathers laughing and people having good old-fashioned fun
with their jelly that you don’t even realize that you were just totally
spoofed. First of all, I don’t know
about the rest of you, but when I hear the name “Smucker’s”, I really don’t associate it with
goodness. I don’t even associate it
with mediocrity. In fact, if I were
them, I really wouldn’t be focusing on the name, since it sounds mysteriously
close to “Shmuck”, which is the Yiddish word for “Penis”. And last time I checked, penises don’t sell
jelly or jam. Even if the name wasn’t
Smucker’s, if it was something that actually sounded good, it still doesn’t
make any damn sense. Why does it have
to be good? Cuz it’s named
something? If it’s that easy to sell
stuff, I’m gonna let out a product called “Reallyreallygooders” and use the
same advertising technique. I’ll be
rich. And hire power-hungry new-age
kindergarten grads.
By now you must be wondering what
I’m talking about when I mention power-hungry new-age kindergarten grads. Either that or you’re asleep, drooling all
over your shirt and your keyboard, but for my pride’s sake I’ll assume the
first thing. I believe that companies
that come up with intensely brainless slogans like these two companies are
hiring cheap labor from fresh out-of-kindergarten grads. You see, they couldn’t
hire cheap immigrant labor because of the necessity to be able to speak
English, so they had to consider other options. But it all makes perfect sense.
In fact, it’s ingenious for a few reasons. First of all, when you are in kindergarten, you have no concept
of money. To you, 50 cents is
equivalent to uncovering the lost treasures of Sim Sim Jabim. So kindergarten labor is incredibly
cheap. Also, there is a huge selection
of kindergarteners because none of them have even considered looking for a job
yet, so one can be extremely selective.
And although most of kindergarteners don’t have the mental capacity to
do anything spectacular, there are exceptions.
Remember back in kindergarten, there was always that one kid that was
way smarter than everyone else? During
paint time, you’d be trying your hardest to not smear the colors together on the
incredibly ugly house that you’d be drawing and you’d look over and this kid
would be re-creating the roof of the Sistine Chapel. He would spend his time perfecting his calligraphy while you were
trying to understand the difference between the letters “W” and “M”. During naptime, he would polish off a
classical novel while you drooled all over the floor. There’s one in every class.
And everyone hates him because he is just so much smarter. Even the teacher hates him because the kid
usually asks questions like “Ms. Brown, what’s the gravitational constant on
Pluto?” So by the time it’s time to
graduate Kindergarten, this kid is lucky to have the chance to escape being
bullied by going to work for a company like this. Everyone wins. Except
you, the consumer, because you get bombarded with stupefyingly-senseless
slogans. This is the only flaw in the
system. These kindergarten grads are
still children, and they still oversimplify things. But they are so smart that they make their bosses look stupid, so
they rise up the hierarchy of business until they’re running the show. So what you have now is a power-hungry
new-age kindergarten grad in charge of a company but oversimplifying the
slogan. It happens every time. There’s a price that comes with youth.
Well, by now, you have probably
realized that you missed your chance to succeed because you were among the
majority in kindergarten who peed themselves instead of doing anything
special. But that doesn’t mean that you
won’t succeed if you go to college, it just means that you bypassed a lot of
years that could be pure earnings in exchange for education. Don’t worry, I did it too. The funny part is, I will enjoy not
enlightening my child of this fact when I become a parent. I guess all of us need a little revenge
every now and then. : )