Doc's Letter to Snapple
I have been a Snapple Tea fan for many years, but I've recently had somewhat of a disheartening experience. I was buying what I thought to be a can of your fine peach tea when a can of Diet Lemon Tea happened to fall out of the vending machine instead. I do not hold this against Snapple in any way; it was simply the fault of the gross incompetance of the moron who stocked the machine. Being the open-minded guy that I am, I decided to try your diet lemon flavor, thinking that it couldn't be too much different from the original. I was horribly mistaken. Your Diet Lemon Tea is the most putrid, disgusting, and rancid thing that I have ever tasted. For the first time in my life, I could feel my tastebuds shriek and convulse in pain as the river of the bilogical hazard in a can flowed over them. The truth is that I would rather drink a gallon of horse semen than a mere sip of that chemical infested sespool in a can that you call your Diet Lemon Iced Tea. As a company, it is not ethical for Snapple to pollute the earth with the acidic feces-substitute that comes from that can. I will now list all of the things that are wrong with your diet lemon tea so that you can immeadiately launch a task force to correct the following horrific vilations of my taste buds:
The can is white and deceivingly innocent-looking for such a horrid crime to humanity stored inside.
It wreaks of chemicals.
It doesn't taste like tea, it tastes more like a fart out of a San Franciso male prostitute's rectum.
It has no lemon flavor, but more of a sulfur-like bitterness.
In conclusion, I would just like to say that this particular beverage sucks. As for all your other beverages, keep up the good work. But as for this one, you should wipe it off the face of the planet. I am somewhat disgruntled with your company, but perhaps I will be able to forgive you.*
*In response to Doc's letter, Snapple was pleased to send him an entire case of Diet Lemon Snapple with a note that said "Enjoy, compliments of your friends here at Snapple." Doc hasn't been the same since.
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